An Unexpected Fear

We can all agree that 2020 was a tough year. For me, it meant growth, confrontation of self. I spent the year reflecting on who I am, what I want, and who I have been, good and bad. I am proud to say that I am stronger than ever, I no longer feel weighed down by my past… Until this Tuesday that is.

It’s strange how past trauma can come out of nowhere and just smack you in the face. Mine came out at the Drs office. I went in for an ongoing issue, and came out absolutely terrified. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I go to one of the best hospitals in the world, the care is excellent. If you are a woman I am sure you can agree that once you find healthcare professionals you can trust, you hold on for dear life. And I am.

I found out I have Diabetes… to clarify, I’ve had pre-diabetes since highschool, and I have been managing it and been doing fine for years. But between a lot of factors including the pandemic, this appears far past the time they would have liked to have started helping me. They are moving quick and I am in good hands. I am okay. They do not think I need insulin yet. They DO want me to get a weight loss surgery done, and I am monitoring my blood sugar levels daily from now on. I am also on a medication to help get things under control. It’s overwhelming and scary but I have a good support system and I feel that with them I can do this.

So where does the trauma come in? Well, once the surgery came up, I became terrified. Not because of the surgery per say, but at the thought of losing weight rapidly. It brought up a fear I thought I had worked through therapy. You see, a therapist once brought up that I may have unconsciously gained weight to stop/prevent sexual assault and rape. Being confronted with losing 90 pounds shook me to my core because, well, in my mind it made me vulnerable. That is not a normal thought process, I know, but it is something I need to confront to be better. And to be honest, I hadn’t thought about it for years.

At first, my heart was sad for the little girl who thought she needed to gain weight to be less desirable by community standards to feel safe. At the time, I just wanted it to stop, but it led me here…  I am not that little girl anymore and I need to do better for me. 

The United States has a problem, we do. I had two main attackers, both were multiple instances, both were people I should have been able to trust. Almost all of my friends have similar stories. It appears to be the norm. But there are also the other instances that I never talk about: child survivors learning behaviors during incidences of assault and carrying them out on each other… I would not be able to quantify how often that happened to me personally… and I don’t cast blame on these people. We were broken kids, or at least that’s what it felt like. I… just wanted it to stop. 

Trauma is a mountain to climb and I have been hiking hard (ha) for years to get it under control. I no longer shake in fear when having tough conversations. My panic attacks are at an all time low. Like I said previously, I no longer feel weighed down by it. I still have a hard time with unexpected touch or people being in my personal space if I am not aware. It is a constant struggle for me to want to be touched, and loved, and to feel safe… on the other end I feel terrible when I tense up at the hands of someone who means no harm. Do they feel my body go rigid? Do they think I am afraid or do not want their affection? I usually do! I love hugs and cuddles and affectionate friendships… and I try my hardest to keep it under control. PTSD is hard, it brings the fear back from your core to the forefront before you can really process what is happening (aka flashbacks)

So with this resurfaced trauma, newer better stronger  Sam is handling this all well. I recognized that fear of weight loss is something I need to confront for a healthier me. My Dr is going to connect me with a therapist so I can get through it. My blood sugar is already down 80 points from when it was taken on Tuesday. My Drs have been kind and helpful and made me feel less overwhelmed. I am okay, I will be okay. I am safe, I am strong, I can do this. 

Thank you for reading. If you are a survivor I hope you know you are not alone. I love you.

Side note if you know any breakfast recipes that have low sugar, low carbs and low starch please help me forget about bagels. I love bagels.

All the best,

Samantha